my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
