Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize