my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
