We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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