Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
