Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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