I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
