I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
