I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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