1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
