I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
