Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
