I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
