I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
