I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You can't special order awesome
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
