I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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