i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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