ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
