Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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