the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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