I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
