Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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