We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
