We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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