There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
