My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
