Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
