I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
