Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
