atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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