i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
