I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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