Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
