im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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