Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
