Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
