Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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