I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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