Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize