its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
