Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
