we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
