I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
