The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
