He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
