Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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