btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
