I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
