Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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