youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
