No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
