Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
