Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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