I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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