this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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