Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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